With the stress of working on a building site in Malawi, Africa, the early mornings and 12-hour days, the thing I most look forward to each day is cooking dinner. It’s my “me” time—my time to be alone and daydream. Away from all the meetings, all the problems of village politics, lists and spreadsheets of building materials and budgets and a truck on the fritz. I turn on the music and zone out as I chop onions, make dough or stir sauce.
So when my friend Emily arrived from England to help us with the project, I was unsure how I’d feel about another cook in the kitchen. I’m sort of a loner when it comes to cooking and I’ve always attributed this to the fact that I love cooking so much that I don’t need help. But after a few evenings cooking dinner together, Emily and I were having a wonderful time, listening to the same music I’d be listening to if I had been alone and the hilarious conversation and jokes and reminiscing about our days at university were almost better than my solitary daydreams and thoughts, which almost always stray back to project problems or what we should be doing tomorrow.
So why was I still wishing I was cooking dinner by myself? After several nights of cooking together I cringed as she used a small serrated knife to scrape onions out of our non-stick pan, re-chopped tomatoes that I felt were not small enough for guacamole and instructed her on just how I thought she should be chopping potatoes for fries. I knew I was being annoying, I just couldn’t help myself.
One night, Emily was sautéing some garlic for red sauce. I leaned over her shoulder, peaked in the pan, and saw that the garlic was turning golden brown, on the cusp of burning. I said, “Hey, maybe you should add the onions and a bit more oil, the garlic is starting to burn.” And then the slight kitchen tension that had been mounting all week came to a head (in a very English and civilized way). She simply said, with a bit of a sarcastic smile, in the way that only a dear friend you’ve known for years can, “Maggy, it’s fine. You go stand over there.” Roughly translated: I am making this damn sauce. You are not. This is how I make sauce, so let me get on with it!” Then the penny dropped. I am such a control freak in the kitchen. I like cooking alone because I like doing everything the way I like it. This behavior needs to be corrected. I vow to change.
The other night we were starting to prepare dinner and I was interrupted not once, not twice, but three times by long phone calls, preventing me from being in the kitchen overseeing dinner preparations. While this did cause some anxiety for me, I walked inside after that third phone call and dinner was plated and ready to eat. Emily and Andy had grilled sausages and mixed them with a tomato-and-onion sauce and had prepared green beans, cabbage and sweet potato fries. The vegetables may have been a little overcooked, but the meal couldn’t have been more delicious. Lesson learned. Stop micro-managing and sometimes…just get out of the kitchen!
Teaching cooking classes is where I was forced to lose my inner control freak. Imagine this: You’re in a strange city, an unfamiliar kitchen, working with people you likely don’t know, and your class starts in 1 1/2 hours. Getting everything ready for show time is a complete exercise in faith and trust and trying to control the situation is literally a recipe for disaster. It took me awhile, but I’ve more or less learned to let go and trust it’s going to be fine. One thing’s certain on those nights: ready or not, we’re ready.
I’m still working on my feelings about hands-on classes. This is where you give people your recipes and watch them make them. On the outside, I may look calm, but the inner control freak is FREAKING OUT!
It’s good to know I’m not the only one! I know I’m driving everyone nuts in the kitchen, but I can’t help myself.
“You know, it would be easier if you cut that this way…”
Gaah! Why can’t I just let it go?
Ehh…I NEED to be less of a control freak in the kitchen, I think I’ve killed any desire my husband had to cook…
i’m not a control freak in the kitchen, i just expect my fellow chefs to do everything exactly how i do it.
or just get out of my kitchen, whichever is easiest.
it’s nice to hear similar cooking woes, i’m so glad i’m not alone. i will, too, try to change 🙂
While driving to our Thanksgiving destination my husband informed me that I needed to leave my kitchen control freak in the city we were passing through. And no, I was not allowed to pick it back up on our way home. Sigh…
OK – to all fellow control freaks! If you want to be left alone to cook in peace here are a few suggestions that have worked for me……
1. put all of the plates, sliverware, napkins, etc in a pile in the center of the table, anyone asks if they can help have them set the table.
2. put all of the items for your beverages on a table in the living room, if anyone asks, have them cut the lemons/limes (make sure you put a cutting board and knife out!), open bottles of wine, make and serve drinks.
3. have them arrange the dessert buffet
4. let someone else put all of the food away, clear the table, and do the dishes, goodness knows – you deserve it after making all of the food!
Good luck, and if anyone has any other suggestions, I am open. I like being in the kitchen cooking but on the other hand I don’t want to cause hurt feelings.
this post was a good reminder for me to keep things in perspective and not worry about trying to make everything “perfect” or my way. I couldn’t have pulled of Thanksgiving Dinner without the help of my brother, his fiancee and even my boyfriend, yet it was hard to adjust to working with others in the kitchen. I even snapped at my boyfriend when he was trying to be helpful.
I have to remember that even though I can chop onions/pull of thyme leaves/mix together dessert faster than them because I’m a kitchen nerd, in the long run it saves us time when everyone helps out, rather than me doing it all myself!
Dear Micro-managing Maggy,
It’s a hard thing to admit but many of us do this. My hubby and I both are prone to telling everyone we don’t need help in the kitchen because we would rather do it ourselves, our way. I’m learning to let go because we have three children and since we are homeschooling, we need every opportunity to teach them life skills. so i try to let them “help” me as often as possible. Taking deep breaths helps… but only if you don’t let them back out as exasperated sighs.
Love,
Learning Patience in Nebraska
Ugh. I am SO guilty of this. It’s like that scene from the movie “Mean Girls” when Lindsay Lohan is talking about “word vomit.” Just how you can hear yourself talking and you know you should shut up…but it just keeps coming out.
Like you said, I can HEAR myself being condescending and annoying, but am almost powerless to stop it. Right? WRONG!
I’ve tried to take a page out of mom’s book, and adopt her catch-all phrase, “It’s fine.” So what if the onions are diced instead of sliced? It’s fine. And what if the garlic is a little toastier than I would have liked it? It’s fine. And what if someone isn’t stirring with the same vigor that I would? Or using a wooden spoon where I would be using a spatula? Really, say it with me, “It’s FINE!”
I’m trying. Haven’t mastered it yet. Recently, I’ve been cooking a lot with a friend who’s even worse than I am in the control freak realm, so I am the one who gets to relax and get “reminded” of certain things, or take “suggestions.” It’s actually kind of fun (and funny) to witness someone else getting their control freak on, and it puts things in perspective.
I love this post, mostly because I have this problem in spades. It should probably be my New Year’s resolution to be less of a spazzy control freak in the kitchen. My friends don’t even try to help any more! I need to take it down a notch or two (or twelve!)
Ha, I can totally relate! Great story!
So glad I am not alone…! Thanks for all the comments, guys. And suggestions.
Hey Maggie…good for you for learning this lesson of letting go in the kitchen at such a young age. Here I am well into aldult hood and still have this issue. I’m happy for you. I’m glad you and Andy are trying to do such a great thing in Africa. What a challenge. I’m very impressed.
All is well here. John & Kip are well, productive and happy ( who can hope for more?). Ian has now a new 2nd hip and seems to be on the road to recovery.
I think of you often, remembering last years party in your parents new house in the kitchen talking about your baking passion. It was great to see you last year and I look forward to seeing you and Andy in the future. Good luck with your project, if we can help in any way, please let us know.
Jane McNeill
Thanks for calling me out on this one, Maggy. I’m a work in progress! As Jane just said — it’s nice you’re learning this at a young age!